♥ Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Went to job hunt with May today. Waiting Adidas and Zara to call me next week. I just hope I can start working soon, dont wish to waste anymore time. Shit. When is school reopen and CCA open house again? oh no.
Spent a bomb on stuffs I wont buy today. Just want to feel whats it not me for a while. It feels... relax. My Pweepau just left for Taiwan today, her dreams come true, I'm happy for her. And meanwhile, I pray for her safety back home and I hope she enjoys her trip to the fullest (:
Was shopping with May, and then with Franschicken later on. I didnt know I could be such a fuss. But who can you blame when someone is down on her luck today.
Frans can be my testimonial.
EVERYTHING SINGLE THING I WANTED TODAY, WAS THE LAST STOCK.
wtf?!
I tell you. I was god-damn paranoid earlier on in the shops.
Anyway, my back was hurting mad when I was roaming the streets of Orchard. Too much walking? couldn't be. Or was it the thousand crunches, sit ups and other physical training I've been doing everyday?
Mistake. The back doesnt hurt. Its the lower back, slightly above my buttocks, the tail of my spine I think. It aches and hurt alot.I cant stand for long, I cant walk alot and NOW I cant even really sit still.
Sign of ageing huh. haha. elsielsie. whats wrong.
Anyway, I rushed home straight after shopping cos' Im going YCK to meet up with the 3 lovables for Gym. (Marc, Mimi and Balu~.)
Did alot of intensive training on my thighs today. And some runnings and some light physicals (daily routine.)
YES and i do realise my growing arms. Its manly and scary. I had given up thinking of taking proteinshakes, I guess I better lose some body weight, thin down a little first?
When I look into the mirror with me in my bra and knickers, I dont really see a fat elsie. Instead, a body which is not.. thin, not at all model like, not really obese or plump. just... a big bod, a confused tummy which is churning out the abs.
No pear figure... I hate my arms! spoiler... I dont like my body. really.
Maybe i should just stick to my diet, shed some kilos...and we'll see if there's any diff. Haha.
I dont know whats wrong with me.. is it me, or is it him.
My insecurities' returned. I just feel really upset, uptight and afraid everyday.
Scared to lose you. Im just not good enough.
But its also you who's always poking fun of me... I dont know, you call me every names under the sun but my own name. Maybe it gives you pleasure and amusement.
I just feel that, Im just a friend. Nothing.. nothing special. Its like.. Im losing you.
History seems to be repeating, when i close my eyes, I saw flashbacks of me and yekpeng. How he cruelly ditched me with the utmost impossible reason, how he made me cried everyday, how he made me fall so hard into loneliness, darkness and pain.
I dont know. im just afraid. Afraid you might do the same.
Im just not a better person, not good enough to fit for anyone, Im just me, plain ordinary. What can I use to hold you in my life. I cant give much. Looking at others out there, why is it me. Will you dump me anytime? will you forget me? will anyone take you away from me?
Im afraid.. so afraid.
I can only write them down in my book, a book I call my own and only I can read it.
Blogged @ Wednesday, April 04, 2007
