♥ Monday, January 16, 2006
lost my grip
16January2006.Back From Hong Kong.Back From Melbourne.Back to Depression.I used to wonder about my future, wonder so much that I sometimes feel I cant go INTO the future. My vision of FUTURE seems to be extremely blurry and I have no directions, don't know where I'm heading to, don't know who's beside me (if there's anyone), don't know when will I fall or will I still be able to hold on. This is no difference from a nightmare.All these while, after the O's, promises are broken, lots of them. And all these while, I had been alone, no one to talk to, no one to hang out with, days of misery and tears. Often I do wonder, do i actually have friends, they claim they care, they claim they love me. But what happens when She pick up her phone and took her courage to dial numbers, to make plans and the other parties said No, " I'm sorry, got to go out with Mom.", " I'm afriad I cant get out of the house because it's Raining", " sorry babe, my friends asked me out.", " gotta stay at my cousins' place today, cant move."Rejects. yeah, so most of them are probably working then, those non working ones are in schools right now. Have any one actually stood up at my life when I was the weakest? Should I abuse drug or simply slash myself to death so that I dont have to face anymore heartaches in life? huh? huh?? huh???Each day, I go through them painfully and alone. Where is the moment I needed the most (James Blunt said it, and it makes sense.), my loves, gradually they're leaving me, or should I say, Left Me. You know, each day I come about to in the mornings, I don't know whats my purposeWhat Am I Going to Do today??What's the purpose in life?Why did I wake up for?!So many jabs into my fragile heart, and i would just crawl back under the sheets and sob my morning through. Who knows what Im going through?I have a difficult family situation to face, I'm burdened by so many stuffs, no one to talk to, No One! I feel very outcasted and socially depressed. Maybe I should be born mute, that would maybe change the whole situation, oh no. Maybe I should go blind and deaf, then I wouldnt have to know what's going on and what's happening around me. Wait.. no. Maybe I should just Die, this way I dont have to give a damn to everything since to everyone, I'm just a temporary substitution for people in their lives. Thats who I am right?The whole month, I spent my time tearing up, clutching myself together and then fall into pieces. I'm sick and tired of it.I have my Grandpa who had lost his senses and practically disorderd the Good Lives of the Tays, My aunts, uncles, parents, everytime I see them, I dont see happy faces, I see sadness! i see angst! i see their pain. Its been a long while since I've seen my own happy family. Whats going on Jesus??My family, 5 of us. I feel so tied down to everything, they dont seemed to care if Im alive or dead. everyone ignores me. Ignore. Stressed by the workload, even more stressed by my grandpa, and dread worried for my granny. So this explains why I'm outcasted in everything??Friends. Lets not talk about them.I dont hate them, I just do not want to see them anymore. Those 4 years are just memories...right people?Yes Mark, go on and say whatever you like, it doesnt at all bothers me. I cry almost everyday, my eyes are so swollen that i cant even close them well when I try to sleep. Now that I've quitted crying, I kept shut. yes, shut as in how you people shut me off in your lives.When I talk, nobody listens.When I gave up talking, people comes annoying me with their so-called concerns and sympathy.Is this actually the life I want? The problem is me ok?? so dont blame yourself for anything, now isn't the time to blame who and such. Quit it. Whatever happens, sorry, my fault. nothing happens, sorry, my fault again. Throw everything on me, come on, since I'm leaving, let me carry away all your unhappiness along. So I can let you guys being better off without me. I had always been the extra right? always and forever, friends and family regards me these way. All the while, I've been hiding myself, lying with eyes wide open that, yeah~ Im fine, Im Good.But I'll be Better if I go. I'm just waiting for my time to go, Im dying to come down (adapted from Corpse Bride.) My best friends have their own best friends now, I have no worries about giving them smiles anymore, they have new companies, new people, some maybe, new love? Go on, I won't be there no more to hinder your social life, i wont stop you from making new friends ya? I'll just..I'll just step aside.
Blogged @ Monday, January 16, 2006
